To Be, or Not To Be
by Looney Loopy Lupin
Summary: “Okay, first of all, stop acting like a bloody saint. Stop making people feel sorry for you, because look where it’s gotten you.” Sirius indicated Remus’ nervously wringing hands.-- Set in OotP. Rated for language. R&R!


**Disclaimer**: You can probably guess that I don't own these characters. Some lady by the name of J.K. Rowling owns 'em. Yeah, suck-ish deal, man...

**Author's Note**: Set in OotP. This is my take on what happened to Remus' parents. I've done my research upon the issue, and I _hope_ that there aren't any flaws in that part of the story. Oh, and this is my first Harry Potter fanfic, so reviews are always helpful and appreciated.

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To Be, or Not to Be...

A fire was crackling softly in the study, the rain pouring outside. Remus Lupin was sitting on the sofa, Nymphadora Tonks at his feet. They had made this a habit in the afternoons that Tonks had off from work. Both were reading, Tonks' selection being a magazine and Remus' being an enormous book about the history of goblins.

"Remus?" She said quite suddenly.

"Hmm?" He responded. He shifted slightly in his seat.

"Where are your parents?" She asked him brightly. Remus cleared his throat and rubbed his chin nervously. He knew she meant where they lived, but he couldn't get past the idea of them being dead.

_Dora, _that_ is a story that you would not enjoy hearing._

Tonks waited, getting no response out of Remus.

_Maybe, if I don't say anything, you'll leave this alone..._

"Remus," Her voice was softer, gentler.

_Doubtful._

"Are they... dead?" Remus peered over his book and looked at her. Her dark eyes were not twinkling. They were sad.

_Please. Leave this alone, Dora._

Remus looked back down at his book, contemplating whether or not to continue as his mind laughed at his inability to "just say no".

"Yes." He muttered, sounding more irritated than he meant to. Tonks nodded thoughtfully. She took a breath before continuing.

"May I ask-"

"No, you may _not_ ask." Remus interrupted tersely. "I highly doubt that _you _would want to discuss such a subject as death." She nodded slowly, defeated. Remus immediately regretted his reaction and yelled at himself in his mind. She hung her head for a moment before she rose up from the floor in a deft manner. She turned away from him before speaking.

"I'm sorry." She stated, her voice soft and quivering with sadness. She walked out of the study, tripping on the threshold before closing the door with a click.

_Shit._

Remus stared at the book for a few minutes, arguing with himself. "To be or not to be... to apologize or not to apologize..."

_She wasn't being stupid. She knew that it wasn't something I wanted to talk about. And yet, she pushed it._

He sighed exasperatedly, frowning.

_Why does she always seem to push me into things?_

He shook his head before closing the book and leaving the study. After going into the kitchen, his heart sank after not seeing or hearing any sign of Tonks.

_You stupid arse._

After retrieving a butterbeer, he was about to go back into the study to sulk when Sirius walked into the kitchen. His face held contempt.

"Have you seen Dora anywhere?" Remus asked him, feeling guilty. Sirius glared at him.

"She went home. From what I could see, she looked pretty pissed off." He sat at the table and indicated for Remus to do the same. Sirius paused before continuing. "What in the name of Merlin did you _do_?" Remus sighed softly.

_Sirius, it's really not your business._

"And, don't give me any of that tosh about how it's _not_ my business, because it is. She's my cousin." Sirius stated, anger bubbling in his voice. Remus frowned.

_I certainly hope that you haven't learned legilmency, Sirius._

"Sirius," Remus began. "I don't think you need to point out the obvious. I know that I acted like-"

"An arse." Sirius said flatly. Remus nodded slowly.

"Well, I was thinking _git_, but that works, too."

"Moony, the point is, why the bloody hell would you act like an arse _in the first place_?" Sirius demanded. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but _you _don't seem like the type to go and make a girl cry." Remus sighed again, his stomach coiling with guilt.

_Oh shit... I made her cry..._

He thought a moment, trying to justify his unjustifiable actions.

"She... she started asking me about my parents." Remus explained, knowing it was a lame excuse.

Sirius gave him no look of surprise or understanding. In fact, his frown deepened.

"_And_?"

"_And_, you know that the subject of my parents is certainly not one that I enjoy going into."

_Especially with the girl that I picture naked every night._

"Moony, that's rubbish!"

"And why, Padfoot, is that rubbish? Have you dealt with that sort of emotional damage?" He responded, pursing his lips.

"Okay, first of all, stop acting like a bloody saint because _your parents are dead_, or because you're a _noble werewolf_. Stop making people feel sorry for you, because look where it's gotten you." Sirius indicated Remus' nervously wringing hands. "Second of all, this is the twentieth century. There are professionals out there that will tell you that _talking_ about it could _help _you. Plus, you wouldn't even _need_ a professional! For Merlin's sake, you've got a gorgeous witch that fancies the pants off of you and would do anything to help you!"

"I don't want _her _to help me. Tonks would not even want to hear about... something like _that_ in the first place." Remus shook his head angrily. "All she likes to hear about is _adventures_ and _romance_ and _fantasy_ _tales_. She wouldn't want to hear about death and misfortune." Sirius gaped at him, his eyes reflecting revulsion mixed in with disbelief.

"So, you're saying that _my cousin _just lives in a fantasy world and her _delicate_ ears don't deserve a tale of such macabre? Moony, for Merlin's sake, she's an _auror_! She can handle a lot more than you give her credit for, trust me." Remus shook his head, frustrated.

"I'm _not_ saying that she lives in a fantasy world. I just... I don't want to lose her because of..." Remus faded off, knowing that he had said enough.

_Dammit, Sirius. Dammit, Dammit, Dammit..._

Sirius shook his head slowly, a knowing and disbelieving smirk appearing on his lips.

"I take it back, Lupin. You are not an arse or even a stupid git." He paused. "You are a coward. An idiotic, too-damn-bloody-proud, thick-headed coward!" He stated maliciously. Remus' face fell at these words.

_Coward. Yes, that would certainly define it, and Sirius would certainly be the one to say it._

"For Merlin's sake! She is in _love_ with you! People that are in _love_ are _supposed_ to talk about this sort of thing, whether it be good, bad, or ugly!" Remus felt a surge of anger start to boil inside of him. "And the worst part is, you don't care! You'll just keep on thinking that _I'm_ being the git." Sirius hissed. Remus began to shake with anger.

"Sirius, why is it that I am a _coward_ because I prefer not talking about the exact things that have _fucked up_ my life? Why does someone as _wholesome and innocent _as Tonks have to hear about something as morbid as my parents' deaths? What makes me the coward for wanting to protect her? Tell me the reason." Remus' voice was remarkably calm considering how angry he was. Sirius slammed his fist down on the table.

"You stupid git! It has _nothing_ to do with _that_!" Sirius yelled.

"Then what the hell are we arguing about?!" Remus demanded, growing quite impatient with this spectacle. Sirius shook his head angrily.

"Don't you understand? You've been doing this shit from the get-go with Tonks, just like you've done with _every_ _single_ _girl_ that you've dated!" Sirius stressed each syllable of _every single girl_.

"You've been shutting her out! You won't let her _in_! You've been making excuses to keep your distance from her ever since she kissed you! Do you think that shutting her out will stop her from loving you?"

Sirius didn't wait for an answer. "It won't, and you know it! You're just _scared_! Scared of having someone that actually accepts you for who you are!" Sirius yelled. Remus looked down at his hands, his heart sinking. Sirius, nodded, victory won.

_You really _are_ a coward._

"That's..." Remus' voice was weak. "That's rubbish."

Sirius shook his head. His gray eyes were no longer glittering angrily. They were sad, in the same way that Tonks' had been earlier.

"If I were you, I'd go and talk to her. Oh," He stood up and got an unopened bottle of firewhiskey out of the cabinet. "You'll need this." Remus snorted.

"You think that getting her drunk will be an effective apology?"

Sirius glared at him.

* * *

Remus stood in front of Tonks' apartment door in the rain. The dreary weather and the gloomy area of London that he was in seemed to reflect his uneasiness of solving such a situation as this. Hence, he was hesitant to knock.

_She probably doesn't even want to see you after the way you treated her._

After arguing with himself for over a minute, he finally knocked.

"Who is it?" Tonks' voice was tense with a knowing sense of anger.

"Remus." He answered gently. He heard her make an angry sound.

"Prove it." She spat.

Remus sighed.

"I'm a werewolf, sometimes known as Moony, my favorite food is chocolate, and I'm one of the four creators of the Maurauders' Map." His voice was quiet, did not hold the contempt that it had a few minutes ago. Tonks opened the door enough for her to look at him and him her. The inside of the apartment was dark, but Remus could see enough that her shoulder-length hair was a dull brown: her color of despair.

"What do you want?" Her voice was icy. Remus gave her a sad, sorrowful smile.

"Please. May I come in?" His voice was gentle. Tonks didn't move. Remus also took notice to how red and swollen her dark eyes were.

_Holy shit. What have I done?_

"I don't know, Lupin,"

_My... I don't think she's ever called me just "Lupin"._

Her expression of hurt turned into a glare. "Give me a reason."

"I want to apologize." Remus stated quietly.

"You always want to apologize." She replied, mimicking his solemn tone.

_Mad-Eye has taught you well, Dora: Constant vigilance._

Remus began to get impatient.

"Please let me inside. This rain is cold." The rain had drenched his light-brown hair and made it look like mud dripping down his forehead.

"No, Remus. You can stay out there all night, for all I care." Tonks shook her head and slammed the door. Remus sighed and drew out his wand. "_Alohomora._" He whispered. The door unlocked and he let himself inside. After closing the door, he was using a spell that dried his rain-soaked clothing and turned around to find Tonks with her hands on her hips and a glare that was alarmingly similar to Sirius' glare.

_Merlin's beard, Dora. _That_ is scary._

"What don't you get about _no_?" She hissed.

"We need to talk." Remus' voice was softer.

"Oh, _now_ you want to talk." Her voice was mocking. Remus nodded, ignoring her tone, and looked around to see a blue sofa. He indicated for her to sit. She began to object, but Remus gave her a tired look. She obeyed, crossing her legs tersely. She stared at him expectantly.

"Dora, I'm sorry." His voice was somber with guilt. "I should not have reacted that way. I just... I was being a prat." He faded off.

"You've been talking to Sirius, haven't you." He looked into her eyes. They looked tired, tired for his constant excuses.

"Yes." He answered. She shook her head curtly.

"Remus, I don't want you to be sorry just because Sirius called you a whole list of vile names." Remus shook his head.

"No, Dora. Sirius... He made me realize that I've... I've been pushing you away. Shutting you out." He stated quietly. Tonks nodded. "It's just... difficult for me to accept _this_." He indicated both of them. "I have not known anyone that has _truly _accepted me besides Sirius and James," He paused. "That is, except my mother." Tonks looked into his blue-gray eyes quickly. They held so many years of sadness and contempt. "But first..." Remus remembered the bottle of firewhiskey in his coat pocket. He removed it, and Tonks nodded and went into a kitchen to retrieve two glasses. He poured the thick liquid into the glasses and he took a long swig from his own. He immediately felt warmth erupt in the pit of his stomach and spread to the very tips of his fingers and toes.

"Remus, I'm not going to make you talk about it if..." She faded away.

"No. I think... I think it may help you understand why I am the way I am." He stated softly.

_Yes, why I act like such a prat so much of the time._

His stomach was writhing again, so he had another drink of the firewhiskey.

"Remus, may I ask... how old were you when you were bitten?" Tonks asked him softly, all anger forgotten. Remus rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

"I must have been four or five at the time." He answered. "I guess... well, that's really where this begins. I never knew the reason _why_ I was bitten until my mother died. I always thought that... it was my fault." Tonks looked thunderstruck at his last statement. "My father definitely made it seem that way, at least." Remus stated with a hint of scorn in his voice.

"Why were you bitten?" Tonks asked softly.

"My father... he said something that offended Fenrir Greyback-"

"You mean, you were bitten by Greyback?!" She was incredulous. Remus' hands twitched slightly upon that statement.

"Yes. But, the point it is that my lycanthropy really was, in fact, my father's fault."

"And, you didn't know?" Tonks whispered. Her wide eyes wandered to her own hands.

"My mother was convinced that I was too young at that age to find out. My father supported that idea. You see," Remus rubbed his chin. "My father did not want _me_, of all people, to know that he had done something dishonorable.

"My father was one of those that emphasized _heavily_ upon honor. He felt that... insulting Greyback would be an honorable deed. Despite the fact that it was his own fault that I was bitten..." Remus paused. "He never thought of me as an honorable son. He knew that I would always be afflicted by my disease and that I would forever be disdained by witches and wizards alike.

"My mother tried very hard to get that idea out of my head. She wanted me to see that I _was_ an honorable son. She always told me that few people had to go through what I went through. She made it seem as though it were a battle that I happened to win every single month. She wanted so desperately for me to find acceptance." Remus felt a slight shiver.

"I imagine you know that I'm a half-blood." Remus continued. Tonks nodded. "My father was actually a pure-blood, and my mother was muggle-born. You see, muggles tend to get strange illnesses that can't be healed. My mother, though she was quite a wonderful witch, got one of those strange illnesses."

"How old were you?"

"I was fourteen when she died." Remus explained, his voice sad.

"What was it that she died from?" Tonks asked him. Remus shook his head and frowned.

"I don't know. But, in a way... when I lost my mother, I lost my father as well. Her death was of course the hardest for me to accept."

"Obviously." Tonks stated under her breath.

"My father had always had his share of problems," Remus was pointing vaguely at his own head. "But after my mother died, he sort of lost it. When I came home from school in the summers, it was like he wasn't there. It was like... I did not have a father any longer."

_Yes, he was like a lump in the kitchen that was always drinking some sort of ghastly wine and yelling at me constantly._

"How terrible..." Tonks muttered softly.

"But, he had been promising me since I was eleven that he would not miss the day that he could see me off as a qualified wizard." Remus stated. "And, he never broke that promise. I think that was the only thing that I did that ever _truly_ made him proud." Remus smiled slightly at this statement, but it faded almost immediately. "Three days later, I was sent an owl telling me that my father was dead." Remus' voice was even quieter now.

"What happened?" Remus took a breath before answering.

"My parents' house was in the country, quite close to a cliff that dropped off into a lake..." Tonks was shaking her head and tears were gathering in her dark eyes. "You can probably guess what happened. Even magic couldn't fix _that._" He was talking more to himself than Tonks. Remus looked back at her, trying to reassure her. "But," He said with a sigh. "I had known for quite a while that the day would come. I knew that he could only live for so long in the state he was in." Tonks' hand reached over to his own and squeezed it gently.

"Remus," Her voice was quaking with sadness. "I'm so, so... sorry." Remus shook his head and faced her, squeezing her hand.

"Do you understand now?" He asked her, his blue-gray eyes sober. She nodded in response. "Good." He started to rub his chin again thoughtfully. "You know, I think Sirius was right, for once." Tonks smiled slightly.

"Remus, that's not possible."

"He said that talking about it could help. And... well, I really think it did." Tonks' smile grew wider. She rose off of the sofa and pulled Remus up as well.

"Well, let's go congratulate Mr. Right."

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Reviewers get a glass of firewhiskey, a big book on the history of goblins, and a nice little chat with our favorite werewolf!


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